I was in a private conversation with a young woman a few years ago, and the topic was modesty. No, she told me, she didn’t think outfit she had shown me was a problem. Her reasoning?
I’m not that attractive.
She meant it.
Let me tell you, she was and is BEAUTIFUL. I don’t just mean “all young women have a special inner beauty of their own if they just let it shine blah blah blah.” I mean like, Wow! Gorgeous!
–> One thing Jon and I discovered when we quit watching TV many years ago, is that our sense of beauty readjusted. Our brains no longer held up some kind of fake, air-brushed perfect standard as the model to which all humans must be compared. It is a kind of freedom.
Girls today are not growing up in my little cave of normalcy. They are surrounded by images everywhere of Perfect People. Those people are pretend. They are fake. They are like the hamburger in the picture on the menu at the fast food restaurant.
But here’s the thing about modesty: Men are perfectly happy with regular hamburgers. They don’t need it all fluffed and shellacked and with lettuce and onions hanging out just right to show off what’s inside. Maybe you have to photograph a hamburger just right to sell it to a girl. But all you have to do is say, “Hey, hamburgers!” and the guys will line up.
Really.
Girls, even if you aren’t super gorgeous, guys are THAT interested in you, just because you are a girl. You! Yes, you! You don’t need to “sell” yourself. You don’t need to put your every asset on display. Be a kind, friendly person who cares about others. That’s what real men are looking for in a wife.
PS: Betty Beguiles comes well-recommended, if you are looking for fashion ideas that show off the best you, without showing off more of you than needs to be public. Thank you to the Dorian/Bearing blogging powerhouse for their regular reminders that I really need to subscribe.
[And if you make a point of not showing off your body, you’ll eliminate from the field all the jerky dogs who are only interested in that, and who will drop you in ten years if you don’t stay perfect enough. You don’t need that. Do you have ten years to waste, and no desire to find a guy who loves you for YOU? No. Use the power of clothing to cull the field of the losers.]
Every word of this is the gospel truth I tell my own daughters with mixed results.
Hey we gave up TV permanently about 16 years ago. Isn’t it nice?
I didn’t know it as a teen — my husband let me in on the truth after we were married. Sneaky guy. I’ve started indoctrinating my girls early.
The clean brain is so nice. We own a TV. My brother gave us one after the boy was born, so we could watch our videos of the baby. Then we bought a decent one for watching movies during those few years when it was all-babies-all-the-time, and we hadn’t yet figured out what hobbies to have in the evening with small children at home.
I had a lovely moment a few years ago when I was trying to figure out how to arrange the living room so that the sitting area was near the fireplace and windows, but somehow we had a view of the TV, whose connection is in another part of the room. And then I realized, “Wait a minute. I don’t watch TV. What do I care?” (Sometimes I do watch it. But not enough to need a couch facing that way.) Everything is better since the machine was assigned its proper amount of attention.
In a management class, the prof was talking about various seating arrangements that enhanced or diminished conflict. He showed the seating arrangement of a typical American living room – seats at right angles, facing the corner. He explained that this was less confrontational and implied that’s why the room was set up that way.
Having grown up in a home without TV where the sofa and the chairs faced each other, I noted that the arrangement was more likely a function of where the TV was.
haha. Yep. That is so funny.
We didn’t have a TV when we were first married, which makes it sound like we lived in this virtuous cabin of writing each other longhand declarations of love and drinking tea. But we’ve always had at least 4 computers in the house (in various stages of assembly, due to the presence of an Internet Professional), so we would just surf the Net and play games at Boxerjam.
We even have one of those gigantic oughta-lead-to-Narnia-sized entertainment centers now to protect the television from the barbarians among us.
But we’ve never had cable. That has to count for something, right?
Also, very amused to be referred to as part of a powerhouse.
Also, this story is really sad and I bet it’s not uncommon for women to feel that way.
P.S.: The Internet Professional is/was my husband.
We didn’t have a computer in the house for . . . a very long time. Cheapness, not virtue.
Eventually a flow of corporate castoffs arrived, and then finally the spouse up and bought his own, only so he could do consulting work on his own machine. Prior to that, we just did all our e-mailing and internet stuff at school / work after hours. (And then: He started watching DVDs on one of those computers. Which is how we ended up with a TV.)
I’m finding these days that the computer is to me what telephone, TV, magazines, newspapers, postal mail, catalogs, and typewriter were to my mom’s generation. All combined into one box. Makes for a lot of time at that one box. Not sure what to think about it.
[And yes: Lots of girls think they aren’t pretty. Well, compared to an airbrushed fake-o supermodel girl, I guess not. Like Simcha says, don’t spend much time reading home magazines, makes your marriage unhappy. And yeah, totally, powerhouse. That’s you.]
You’re right on target. Women and girls don’t seem to realize, as a general rule, that most guys aren’t obsessed with a woman’s looks. Personality, character, and other qualities are so important. While I would still need to feel physically attracted to a woman in order to date her, that’s hardly first on my list of things I’m looking for in a potential spouse. And too many young women have apparently latched onto the mistaken notion that they have to look like they just stepped off the front cover of Cosmo to be beautiful.
Thanks for this excellent post!
Evan
Evan, it is great to hear from some guys on this! Thanks for taking the time to comment.
(I am totally not above storing up written evidence to show girls for proof.)
….I’m a late commenter, but here goes:
We *do* have a TV, and do watch it (hangs head in shame). But we, too, have never had cable, a fact which shocks my middle school students on a regular basis when it is revealed (it’s not as shocking, though, as the revelation that I do not own a cell phone. *gasp!* Isn’t that grounds for child abuse or something?)
I am happy thus far that my daughters do not regularly need the talk outlined above. My oldest already knows everything, and my middle daughter is a tad too young to hear what boys are thinking…still, reading excellent bits like this from Jennifer makes me happy that I’m not alone.
My problem is that my daughters take after their mother, and as such are a couple of knockouts. I already have the eight simple rules posted at our door, but that’s a longer story for another day.
JDM
I;m a late commenter here, but here goes:
how refreshing to see this! Yes, I’ve tried telling my gals this many a time, but my oldest at 15yrs already knows everything, and my 11yr old is a tad too young to know what the boys are ‘really’ thinking.
Still, the problem isn’t just telling them that they are beautiful. They take after their mom, and hence are truly drop-dead gorgeous. The trick is not only convincing them of this, but that other boys will see it too and likely act like toads because of it now & again.
Ah, well! Prayers and talks, always.
JDM
JDM – I don’t know who my daughters take after, but yes, similar situation here. My 10-year-old has boys flirting with her at violin class. She thinks it’s weird. We talk about the importance of choosing the right guy, and when it comes up discuss what makes a good spouse, makes for a lasting marriage, etc. Jon tells them that guys are like a pile of sand in the driveway. There’s are some diamonds in that pile, so don’t settle for marrying sand. Just filter through patiently till you find the gem.
The great thing about discussing marriage and future family life with younger kids is that they get it. They aren’t distracted by any biological urges other than the need to have parents who provide a loving home. So they totally can appreciate what marriage is for and what to look for in a spouse.