In light of the recent controversy over whether FLOTUS was wearing the proper shoes for climbing into an airplane to visit a natural disaster zone, I offer this quick guide for how to tell whether you are wearing what you ought to be wearing:
You are a politician: Wear a suit. Always wear a suit, except when you are being too uptight by wearing a suit. In that case, you should forgo the suit so you can be disrespectful for not wearing a suit.
You are a business owner: If you want to intimidate your employees by showing you are a member of the corporate elite, wear a suit. If you want to intimidate your employees by showing that you are powerful enough you don’t have to wear a suit, don’t wear a suit. The proper way to dress is called “Giving out free food to poor people,” unless it’s part of your secret plot to oppress poor people. The media will let you know.
You are a college student: Wear exactly the right t-shirt. Not wearing a t-shirt shows you are planning to oppress people one day, except when it shows that you are going to do great things one day.
You are a mother: Go change your clothes immediately. You obviously don’t care, at all, about your children, your family, or the downfall of civilization.
You are a father: Did you dress yourself? We can tell. Did your wife dress you? We can tell. Either way, you must never, ever, look like your mother dressed you. Also, she should have raised you better than that.
You are a teenage girl: Your clothes, if you choose to wear them, are just fine. Everything you wear is just fine. Anyone who says otherwise is body-shaming you. You are not actually required to wear clothes, though, because that would be sexist.
You are a teenage boy: You can wear whatever you want, as long as you are saving someone from imminent death. Otherwise, please go away.
You are a disabled person being bullied or glorified on the internet: Your clothes are the unique expression of you — don’t change a thing!
You are a disabled person who hasn’t been born yet, or who requires any medical care, ever, for any reason: Die, wastrel. Clothes are not meant for you.
You didn’t die, and now you’re out in public being weird: There should be better funding for programs to make you less weird.
You are a thin, beautiful, member of the British aristocracy: Your clothes are just perfect!
You are a fat, beautiful, member of the British aristocracy: Hence the destruction of the realm.
You are FLOTUS: Everything you wear is a symbol of why the other party would have saved us. Or destroyed us. Either one. Your clothes are so versatile!
You are attending a Catholic church: Your clothes are one of the sins that cry to Heaven for vengeance. Just ask the person sitting in the next pew. If you dare.
Photo courtesy of Wikimedia, public domain, where the category Melania Trump in 2017 will meet all your stiletto-viewing needs.