Category: Catechist Chat

Be Modest at Church in Four Easy Steps

This topic has been in my head for a while, and I was waiting for fall so no one would be embarrassed.  But this article here got my attention, courtesy of I think maybe Fr. Z or the Pulp.it or maybe both — primarily thanks to my being wound up late at night and goofing off.

What I see at Mass — and of course out in the wider world — is that a lot of really good Catholics don’t have a clue about modesty.  These are super wonderful people. Kind, pious, regular mass-goers who are living out the Christian life day after day.  And honestly?  They are trying to be modest.

–> My experience is that the people who struggle most in the two-few-clothes department are the more pure among us. It doesn’t occur to them just how weak their fellows can be.  It’s like putting out giant trays of brownies because it just never occurs to you that some people will be tempted to eat too many.  (But some of us?  Yes we will be.)

***

But our culture’s at the point where vendors of athletic clothing think nothing of mailing out catalogs with ladies in their bras on the cover.  And not a sports bra.  I mean, underwear-underwear, done pin-up style.

[Hint to businesses:  If my son has to carry in a picture of a seductively-posed almost-naked lady from the mailbox, I am never buying your products again.  Did I say that clearly enough?]

And that was the event today that made me decide it was time to share the Four Easy Steps.  Because when you live in a world where everybody everywhere is forgetting to put their clothes on, it’s really hard to know what’s modest and what’s not.  And all the great essays about “Put on your clothes! But it’s really about internal holiness and don’t be judgmental!” don’t really help, if no one will tell you which clothes you are missing.

So here you go, Four Easy Steps for Dressing Modestly at Mass:

  1. Cover your shoulders.
  2. Cover your knees.
  3. Don’t show any cleavage.
  4. Tailored is good, tight is bad.

And that’s it.  Follow those rules, and you will have to really goof it up to not be wearing enough clothes.

Now for some clarifications.  Consider this the advanced course:

1.  Actually I don’t think bare shoulders are always and everywhere a near occasion to sin.  Witness what I wore to my dad’s wedding, and what my own daughters wore last May for the crowning of the Blessed Mother.  This can be done modestly, or modestly-enough.  Lots of not-immodest sleeveless outfits at my church.  But it is so, so easy to go wrong.  And it’s just not worth agonizing over.  Put on a little sweater and you know you’re good.  Buy something with sleeves, you’re good.  Why argue about strap thickness when it so, so easy to just be sure?

UPDATED to point you to a quote in the combox.  A reader asked about sleeve length.  I gave it my guess, and then asked the guys for an opinion.  Christian LeBlanc came to the rescue with his usual no-nonsense analysis:

Short or long sleeves, either is ok.

No sleeves starts to distract. Thin straps/ bare shoulders/ bare backs distract more.

It has to do with the amount of skin, I think, even though the skin exposed is basically mundane.

–> So there you go.  Not just me makin’ things up to repress the masses.  Guys notice this stuff.  Be kind to them.  They are trying to pray.

(And anway, you know you are freezing at church. They set the A/C so that poor man saying Mass in all those vestments on a 105 degree day doesn’t fall over.)

2.  Ditto for knees.  I did a quick look-around the last couple weeks, and sure enough, there are tons of ladies at my parish wearing just-above-the-knee skirts that were perfectly modest.  The trouble is this:  It’s really hard for the modern-media-saturated brain to distinguish between the skirt that is long enough, and the one that is not.  Who runs around with a ruler in hand, figuring out the perfect modesty formula?  Knees, on the other hand . . . almost everyone has knees.  They are easy to identify, so you can tell right away whether they are visible or not.

–> Once again, this is a rule I don’t always follow.  (See “Dad’s wedding” above.  Plus of course in regular outside-of-Mass life, I wear shorts.  It’s summer.  Shorts.  Summer. Shorts.  They go together.)  But you know, I’d be willing to sacrifice an outfit or two, in my fictional world where parishes made dress codes, if it meant my son doesn’t have to look at swimsuit models at church.   Cover the knees at Mass and it’s hard to go wrong.

3.  Cleavage.  Cover. The. Cleavage.  Do you know what that part of your body is for?  It is for feeding your baby.  Do you know that when you walk into Mass with those girls on display, it makes nursing babies and toddlers hungry?  And it attracts other attention as well.  Do you honestly want people salivating at the sight of you? As in, actual drool?  Are you ready to feed the masses to whom you are advertising?  No.  Save it for your own baby.

This is a rule for 100% of the time, everywhere you go.  Fabric is your friend.  Cover the cleavage.

[Perfectly fine to be actually feeding a person during Mass.  If that person if your offspring, not yet to the age of reason.  Good, holy, necessary thing to do.  With the cleavage covered.]

4.  Tailored yes, tight, no.  This is another pretty firm rule.  Okay, so my daughters were telling me today that my t-shirt was tight, and I promise it was not, but, you know there’s a few decades there where the ol’ body stockpiles emergency calories just in case, and so yeah, there is a certain subgroup for whom staying ahead of the fitted-versus-tight curve is kind of a challenge.  I suppose we need to fast more.  But even with that allowance made, yes there should be some measurable amount of air between your body and your outer garments.

These aren’t rules for all time.  These are rules that work for 2011 in most parishes in the United States.  They err on the conservative side, not because I think you need to be extra-conservative, but just to make things really silly easy.

If you are currently wearing not that many clothes to Mass, give them a try.  You can say some lady on the internet dared you do it.

You’ll be more comfortable indoors when the A/C is set too high, but you won’t be too hot standing outside on the patio after Mass, chatting with your friends.  You’ll attract the attention of the kinds of men and boys you actually want to meet.  The ones who care about you, and see you as a real live person, not just as a pin-up model or an underwear catalog.  Mothers of teenage sons will thank you.

Try it.  What can it hurt?

Grace and Generosity

Today in the car my eldest daughter was wishing for soft, cushion-y flip-flops.  “Maybe for your birthday,” I say.

“My birthday is in February.”

“So write a letter to Santa now, telling him what to look for on summer clearance in August.”

Children start composing letters aloud.

Then I suggest, “Wait a minute.  Not Santa.  Write to the Easter Bunny.”

Mr. Boy begins: “Dear Easter Bunny, I have been very good this year . . .”

And I correct: “No.  It’s Dear Easter Bunny, I have been very bad this year.  That is why I am thankful for Easter. If I were good, I wouldn’t need it . . .”

***

–> One of the advantages of homeschooling, is that the children labor under no illusions about mom’s sins.

Sometimes people who see me teach as a catechist get the wrong idea.  They see how I run a class for an hour (So much energy! So focused on the children! So kind! So enthusiastic!) and imagine my own kids must be getting that 16 hours a day.

Um, no.

Just because I can do something for an hour does not mean I can do it all day every day.

But the thing about being a catechist, is that there’s a certain pressure to be an unrealistically good person.  Talking to friends who have worked in ministry elsewhere (non-catholic, as it happens), it seems to be par for the course.  You’re a Christian Leader.  You’re a Teacher and an Example.  And if you screw-up, You’re Fired.

It isn’t enough to be competent at your work.  Your work is not only to teach what is right and wrong, but to somehow meet spec.  Our #1 message is that we are all wretched sinners in need of a Savior, but if you’re a priest / minister / catechist, you’d better not be especially needful of that Savior.

That’s not real.

I’m fortunate, in that although I certainly get tempted to commit enormous sins, I mostly stick to goofing off and yelling at my kids as the bread and butter of my sinfulness.  So I guess I have a job as long as I can keep that up.

But here’s what: Everybody faces temptation.  I have been very moved by the humility of ordinary Christians who will openly acknowledge horrid sins.  I did it, I should not have done it, I am sorry I did it, I will never do it again so help me God. 

Public ministry discourages that humility.  It discourages it slowly and insidiously, by first teaching you to deny the venial sins.  What will people think if they find out I ______?  Will they refuse to let me minister to _______ if they hear that I _______?  I am not alone among catholic volunteers in being a tad nervous about confessing to my own parish priest.  I work for the guy — what if he gets the wrong idea when he hears my confession?

[I do, anyway, though not as often as would be good for me.  A lousy prayer life is one of my other besetting sins.]

So I am unsurprised when I hear that some Famous Catholic is by all appearances guilty of some tremendous sin, but is unable to admit to having done wrong.  To see clerics justify their serious sins, and maybe even leave the church over them?  Well, I’ve seen other ministers brush off lesser sins.  It is a staircase.  At the bottom you put on a good face for the public; as unseemly bits seep out here and there, what you cannot hide, you must somehow justify.  By the time a serious temptation comes along, the habit of fleeing condemnation is long since engrained.

Forgiveness is only way out.

You want honest clergy?  Learn to forgive.  Not to deny, not to downplay, not to ignore.  To forgive.   Where sin abounds, grace must abound all the more.

The Christian paradox is that where grace abounds, sin loses its hold.  For if I know I will be forgiven, then I can admit I was wrong.  And if I can admit I was wrong, and only if I can admit I was wrong, then I can begin the work of repairing my soul.

Mothers & More

Here’s a great article on “Why Mothers Matter”, h/t to the Pulp.it for pointing it out.  Totally made my day.  (Yes, I am goofing off.  Bad mother! Clean house!  Make children clean house!)

–> Which explains why St. Thomas More re-married so quickly after the death of his first wife.  As Butler’s Lives points out:

More was a man of sense as well as sensibility, and he had four young children on his hands: so he married a widow, seven years older than himself, an experienced housewife, talkative, kindly and full of unimaginative common sense.

Apparently she didn’t appreciate his jokes, though, which the biographer observes was an “undeniable trial of patience” — for which spouse the text does not specify.

A quick saint bleg on that topic:  Our VBS-alternative (“Terrific Tuesdays”) will feature St. Thomas More, St. Joan of Arc, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Therese of Lisieux, and St. Martin de Porres.  If you happen to be sitting on a linky-link treasure trove of free-to-copy coloring sheets, puzzles, clip art, and the like, I would be most grateful to learn your secrets.  Thank you!

–> FYI if you are in a similar boat, I’ve been mining the My Catholic Pray and Play Activity Book for generic worksheets.  Nicely done, good little resource for elementary-age catechists to keep in the drawer.  The sheets are reproducibles for non-commercial use.

***

And this is a random other lives-of-saints observation I stumbled upon last night, and had to share.  From Butler’s Lives, further down on July 9th (same as More), concerning the martyrdom of Sts. Nicholas Pieck and Companions, Martyrs of Gorkum in 1572.  This was a Calvinist round-up in the Netherlands, and the clergy arrested included not only the saintly types, but also St. James Lacops, who “had been very slack in his religious observance and contumacious under reproof”, as well as St. Andrew Wouters, who “went straight from the irregular life to imprisonment and martydom”.

Here is the bit I found to be a timeless reminder:

. . . when already Father Pieck had been flung off the ladder, speaking words of encouragement, the courage of some failed them; it is a significant warning against judging the character of our neighbour or pretending to read his heart that, while a priest of blameless life recanted in a moment of weakness, the two who had been an occasion of scandle gave their lives without a tremor.

The Youcat

So I dropped by my local catholic bookstore yesterday in search of confirmation gifts.  (Got ’em, and they are NOT BOOKS.  The nieces will suspect I am an imposter.)  Shop owner says, “Look over there, we’ve got the new Youcat in.”  Waves toward rack with all the neat items-to-be-promoted.

I smile.  A pained smile.  Um, okay.  Thanks.

Because you do not know how many reviews of this book I have not read.  Many.  If there is someone on that sidebar who wrote a review of the YOUCAT, I saw it and skipped it.  Not interested.  Just not.  Too perky.  What a goofy name.  And plus what’s wrong with the big catechism, ya know?  Do I look fifteen?  No, I do not look fifteen.

So then I wander over to the promo rack, and well, I’ll just take a look at the thing.  Might as well see what it is.  Someone might ask me about it.  My DRE might try to make me use it or something.

Open it up to a random page.  Read a sample.  Told the shop owner, “You just sold a book.”

[She proceeded to sell me two CD’s by playing samples of these guys off her PC while she was at it.  Smart lady.  Crack for catechists.]

Anyway, the story with the Youcat is this:

It translates the Catechism for you.  It’s a quick, easy way to look up the catholic teaching on something, and get answers in words kids can more or less understand.  You still need to understand the teachings of the church yourself.  Big Catechism isn’t going anywhere.  But if you want the words to give to kids?  Here it is.  Plus, if you’re in a hurry, you don’t have to really think about the answers when you look something up.

Compare and contrast . . .  In the big catechism, here’s 1755-1756:

II. GOOD ACTS AND EVIL ACTS

1755 A morally good act requires the goodness of the object, of the end, and of the circumstances together. An evil end corrupts the action, even if the object is good in itself (such as praying and fasting “in order to be seen by men”).

The object of the choice can by itself vitiate an act in its entirety. There are some concrete acts – such as fornication – that it is always wrong to choose, because choosing them entails a disorder of the will, that is, a moral evil.

1756 It is therefore an error to judge the morality of human acts by considering only the intention that inspires them or the circumstances (environment, social pressure, duress or emergency, etc.) which supply their context. There are acts which, in and of themselves, independently of circumstances and intentions, are always gravely illicit by reason of their object; such as blasphemy and perjury, murder and adultery. One may not do evil so that good may result from it.

Here’s the Youcat.  A simplified version of those paragraphs is given, and then this:

The end does not justify the means.  It cannot be right to commit infidelity so as to stabilize one’s marriage.  It is just as wrong to use embryos for stem cell research, even if one could thereby make medical breakthroughs.  It is wrong to try to “help” a rape victim by aborting her child.

What you need to know.  To the point.  Answers the questions students actually ask in class. 

You could leave it lying around for the kids at home to read, too. Or the adults.  And I’ll admit, the sunny cover and all the photos and drawings do make you want to read the thing.  It’s as if someone at the Vatican really really wants people to learn the Catholic faith.  Maybe the guy who wrote the foreward, for example. 

You can order yours directly from Ignatius, stop by your local catholic bookstore if you are a good, holy person who happens to have such a thing nearby, or support one of the blogger-friendly internet retailers such as The Catholic Company (coming soon) or Aquinas and More.  Basically, no excuse not to have one.  Well, okay, don’t go into debt for it.  But aside from that.

My Thursday Reading.

Links Round-Up today:

John McNichol has up part 1 and part 2 of the Argument from Design for explaining God’s existence.  The man breathes apologetics for teens.  It’s as if he does this for a living or something.

Mrs. Darwin has a cautionary tale about writing. If it seems like people wrote better books in the past, it’s because you haven’t been made to read them all. I buy vintage books from thrift stores — I know.  She tells the truth.  (That said: I have found some absolute treasures in catholic non-fiction that are now out of print.  Kills me.)

–> Mrs. D goes on to share Betty Duffy’s happy news, which is why Mrs. Duffy’s writing career is apparently again on hold for procreation.  (Congratulations!).  I’m so there.  (Not pregnant, just educating people.)  Ever used the expression, “Don’t you have anything better to do?” to criticize somebody?  When I think about my vocation, that’s what I ask myself.  Is there something better I could be doing?  Well, I could put the kids in the school, any little ones in day care, and pursue a number of other more profitable and prestigious careers.  They’d be fun.  They’d be worthwhile.  They would be good work.  But none of them would be better.  I’m doing the best one.  The riskiest one, too.  But worth it.

Dorian reviews a nice Catholic music curriulum.  My two oldest did Kindermusik one year, and it was great — huge help — and so I’m with Dorian.  These things are good. But here’s what, and follows my plea: I listened to the sample tracks.  They are quite musical.  But my fifth graders would fall apart laughing if I played one of those in class.  Yes they would.

Dear Music Publishers,

Please, please, oh please record a plain, boring, musically non-descript sing-along CD for use in catholic religious ed.  Miniscule ranges.  Transparent accompaniments.  NO CHORAL VOICES.  Sung by some lady (or guy) who sounds like a fifth grade teacher, not a Famous Musician.

Thank you.

Jennifer.

And if you haven’t bust out laughing like a 10 year old after listening the music samples (perhaps you are not a 10 year old?), read  this review of the IC’s Communion of Saints book by Allen’s Brain. It is funny.  The Communion of Saints series is even funnier.  Highly recommended.

 

I’m outta here. Happy Thursday.

 

Repeat after me: “Murder is Never the Solution”

UPDATE: Fr. says I had it right:

Actually, you are correct.  If you murder your spouse, you are not free to marry.  You are impeded due to the fact crime and public propriety come into play in this situation.  It does not matter if you murder your spouse or another person’s spouse.
See how much simpler it is to just ask your pastor, instead of the internet?  Ha.  I’m practically a Luddite.  (Have I mentioned my parish gets all the best priests?  We get all the best priests.)
********
Original post:

 

That was us last night in 5th grade.  Because we were learning about Marriage.

–> And it appears I misquoted canon law, just a little.  Request for help at the bottom.

It was all going so nicely.  Marriage as one of the sacraments of service.  Husband and wife, till death do us part, open to children = new eternal souls, responsibility to educate those children, teach them right and wrong, introduce them to the church, teach them their faith . . . we were on it.

Naturally divorce came up, as it ALWAYS does, I don’t care how many times I don’t mention it even once.  But hey, no problem.  Quick explanation of nullity on the one part and separation of bed and board on the other, these kids were sharp.  No worries.  Off we launch into Holy Orders, when I my new favorite student raises her hand, and whispers, “I have one more question about marriage.”

Sure, no problem, go ahead sweetie.

“What if you murder your spouse because you don’t want to be married anymore.  Can you get married again after that?”

I should have just whispered “No,” and gotten back to bishops.   But I am not so smart.  I let the whole class in our little conversation.  Boys start howling, thrusting invisible knives at each other, thinking up little kitchen ‘accidents’ . . .

And hence the chant.  Repeat after me: “Murder is Never the Solution”.  Replace one boisterous activity with another.  It’s loud (I wonder if anyone is listening in the hall), but it’s focused.  Class back on track.  Quick let’s find those bishops again before someone starts the “Is it a mortal sin?” scenarios.

So that was our class last night.  [Great talk on Holy Orders.  Only excitement was another new question: “What if you don’t like your Deacon?” We all agreed: Suck it up, get along.  Disclaimer: Our parish has awesome clergy.  It was a hypothetical question. Nice talk about how every single sermon might not be written especially for you personally, some weeks it’s your turn to sit quietly and pray.  And if you were up there preaching, not everyone would be so excited about you either.  Get over yourself.  The kids *totally* get this.  Love it.]

***

Anyhow, speaking of bishops, I’m not sure I sure I got my murder question quite right. Here is canon 1090, which seems to be the one I had imagined:

Can. 1090 §1. Anyone who with a view to entering marriage with a certain person has brought about the death of that person’s spouse or of one’s own spouse invalidly attempts this marriage.

§2. Those who have brought about the death of a spouse by mutual physical or moral cooperation also invalidly attempt a marriage together.

So this is all about murder in anticipation of a particular future marriage.  Doesn’t say anything about murder just to generally open up your options again.

Someone help me here.  Was I wrong?  (I think so).  Right enough? (For practical purposes, don’t think any little children were led wildly astray of the narrow road.)

Opine, opine.  I’ll ask Father just to be sure.

Craft Idea: Painting Fans

I don’t do crafts.  But sometimes, yeah, I do crafts.  This was our activity for the 9 y.o.’s birthday party, but it would lend itself to a VBS project.  So I share.

Who were the artists? 18 Girls at the party, ages 3-13.  Two of the girls (ages 4 & 6) played on the back porch the whole time, the others painted.  All 16 painters, including a few very energetic ones, seemed to enjoy the project and stay focused on their work.

What we did: We painted folding fans.  We acquired a box each of these white fabric ones, and these wooden ones.  You find them in the wedding section of the craft store, and these were 18-count boxes.   We used bottles of washable tempera paint, and also offered markers and glitter-glue (already on hand).   For the paint we purchased six-packs of small bottles in metallic and glittery colors, and I think this worked well because no matter how hapless the artist, your paint selection was guaranteed to coordinate.

VBS Themes? This would be a great project if you are studying a saint who lived in a time and place where folding fans were widely used.  One of our guests ran back home and brought a list of Japanese words she had from school, and two painters used that for their design.  –> For any VBS lesson, you could provide a selection of possible design elements that suits your theme for the day.

Paint Control: Each artist received a cheap saucer-sized paper plate for a pallette.  I squirted nickel-sized samples of desired colors on each girls’ plate.  The girls got the message, and when they re-filled their paint, they took just a little at a time.  I issued new plates on request to a couple artists who needed larger or refreshed pallettes.

Brush Protection: Our array of brushes included old toothbrushes, cheapo kids’ water color brushes, good quality kids’ brushes, and really nice adult painting brushes.  I handed out the better kids’ brushes to the girls (one thin, one thick for each to start), but they were free to help themselves to anything on the table.  No brush damage!  I think that fan-painting lends itself to good brush technique because of the small surfaces.

Rinse Water Management: I used short, heavy mugs and glasses for the rinse water, and filled them no more than half-way.  Girls shared cups placed in the center of the table, and I renewed the water on request.  Low center of gravity pays off: no water spilled.

Budget: Ours fans were on sale for well less than $1 a piece, but suggested retail was something like $18.99 for an 18-count box.  So shop around if your budget is tight.  I spent about $10 on paint, and used perhaps a third of it.  You could no doubt do much better on paint prices.  –>  We will use our leftovers on other projects, but for VBS, half-used paint bottles can easily turn into waste.  If you need to strictly control the budget, pick just a few colors, and don’t open a new bottle of a color until you’ve finished the old one.

I can’t remember what the paper plates cost, but they were the super cheap ones, and for 16 painters we went through maybe 20 plates.  I passed out napkins or paper towels on request, used a handful of those.   I already owned the other supplies — brushes, rinse water cups, markers and glitter glue.  Most people just used paint. On the wooden fans, this project could be done exclusively with markers if desired.

The paint needs to dry! I used old shower curtains to cover the carpet initially, and then used them to cover the shelving where the girls put out their fans to dry while we had birthday cake.

Project Time:  I estimate we spent about 30 minutes on this project?  In a classroom setting, you would want to have a second activity on hand for students who finish quickly.   It would also be nice to have a come-back-later option for students who chose a very detailed design and ran out of time.

Caution: Everyone wants an extra fan.  Just say no.

Lying – A Quick Tutorial on 2 Topics

Yesterday I read through a good bit of the great debate over the morality of Live Action’s Planned Parenthood stings.   I wanted to address two errors I’m seeing in the comboxes that deal with just the basics on lying and telling the truth.  One is the question of social lies (“Do you like my haircut?”), and I’ll answer that one second.  The other is this:

“No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it.” (CCC 2489)

Now there’s quite a lot of noise about how the catechism was revised back in paragraph 2483 to clarify the definition of lying, specifically to remove the qualifer “to those who have a right to the truth”.  But 2489 stands as written.  Because here’s what: Withholding the truth from someone does not require lying!

–> What the catechism is saying, is that we don’t have to live in a talk-show tell-all universe.  Everybody doesn’t have a right to know everyone else’s private business.  Scrupulous followers of the 10 Commandments might have thought otherwise, thinking that the commandment to tell the truth means we have to tell the whole truth to anyone who asks and a lot of people who don’t.  Not so.

***

This is an everyday practical topic, and if you have grown up in a culture that considers lying AOK, you might want some tips on ways to legitimately withhold the truth from someone who has no right to know.  So here are some choices for you:

  • Say nothing at all.  My husband has a right to know how our income taxes are coming along.  I have an obligation to discuss the situation truthfully and completely.  In contrast, if a friend of mine shares some private detail of her personal life, and asks me to keep it strictly confidential, (we are assuming it has no bearing on anything to do with my husband), my job is to just keep my mouth shut.   I probably shouldn’t even mention the conversation at all, if I can help it.
  • Refuse to answer. SuperHusband was interviewing a contractor, and inquired what kind of wages the guy’s workers earned.  (The concern: Are they earning a fair wage?  It was a field where workers are often not paid decent wages.)  The contractor answered very simply, “That is none of your business.”  Fair enough.  Takes guts to say that sometimes, so go ahead and practice.  Gentler options are, “I’m not at liberty to say”, “that is a private matter”, “I’m afraid I cannot answer that”, “that is not something I can discuss with you”.  No further explanation required.
  • Answer the underlying question. My son comes to me demanding to know whether his little sister got a piece of Halloween candy.  What he really wants to know? Did I get cheated, mom?  Are you favoring her? So I’m entirely within my right to simply answer, “Everyone will get a fair amount of candy.”
  • Answer a more relevant question. Same child comes to me asking, “Where is my Halloween candy?”  I reply with the more pertinent topic: “Where is your math homework?”
  • Provide a suitably general answer. A student needs to be excused from class to attend to an embarrassing situation.  Everyone of course wants to know where she’s going.  (Keep in mind in the classroom, usually students raise their hand and give a reason they want to be excused — bathroom visit, drink of water, etc.).  It may be more considerate to the embarrassed student to provide a true but vague answer.  “She needed to go to the restroom”, not “she was about to throw up all over the place”.  “I needed her to tell something to the DRE for me”, not “She was about to burst out crying about a family situation”.  “She needed to leave early tonight”, not “She has really bad cramps and wants to go home”.  It’s nobody’s business why she needs to go the ladies’ room, speak to the DRE, or call her mom to pick her up early.   There is nothing dishonest about keeping private situations private, and no lie is required.  The 8th commandment does not require us to tell every detail.

There you go.  Five ways you can legitimately withhold the truth from people who have no right to know.

***

Social Lying.  This is the other one people have been tossing about as a way to somehow prove that it’s fine to lie under this or that circumstance.  Now we can debate all day whether undercover operations or visits from the Gestapo are situations where lying is acceptable.  But there is no sting operation involved when your co-worker asks “Do you like my new shoes?”  And I don’t care what time of the month it is, your wife is not a Nazi when she asks what you think of her outfit.

So don’t lie.  Just don’t.  It’s a bad habit, and it builds unhealthy relationships.

If the relationship is insecure, you need to work on the underlying problem. A woman who feels loved, is confident of your respect for her, and has a strong sense of her own style, doesn’t get all paranoid about her looks.  If the person you are married to is constantly going berserk because you don’t recite long poems in honor of her new shade of lipstick, maybe you need to work on the relationship a little?  Maybe you need to back off on the unsolicited “constructive criticism”, ratchet the genuine compliments up a notch, and reassure her in word and action that you are absolutely hers.

Answer the underlying question. For the most part, women who show you a new outfit just want to share their joy.  She is beautiful, so tell her so.  She has a sense of style all her own, just go with it. She’s not asking you to wear the fuchsia shoes for goodness sakes, how hard is it to enjoy them on someone else?  That’s not lying.  “I wish I had a hat just like that,” is lying.  “It’s totally you,” that’s the truth.

–> This is confusing for men, because they ask for help getting dressed because they really don’t know what to wear.  Like, they really don’t even know if their jacket and slacks have the same color brown in them.  This is why men dress exactly the same as each other.   Your wife is generally not asking for a technical inspection.  If she is, she’ll ask a very specific question, such as “does this blouse clash?” or “do you think the long skirt or the short one works better?”  So the rule is this: Specific question = specific answer.  General question = general answer.  Your wife is beautiful.  It isn’t lying to tell her so.

Pleasantries. Pleasantries aren’t lying.  It is understood they are social conventions that have contextual meaning.  When the secret police come to your door and ask if you are hiding any refugees, it goes like this:

“Good morning, Mrs. Fitz.  How are you today?”

“Fine thank you.” <– Nobody is under the illusion I am fine.  The secret police are at my door.  I am not fine.  But it isn’t a lie because we all know this is a social convention.

“You don’t happen to have this man hiding in your attic?” (Shows picture of the man who is hiding in my attic.)

“________________” <– That’s where I’m supposed to answer something.  If I lie, it is likely at most a venial sin.  (Assuming I am hiding an innocent man, etc etc.)  But I shouldn’t kid myself that it’s a social convention. He didn’t ask if I liked his uniform or what I thought of the weather.  He’s looking for a clear answer.  Now he doesn’t have the right to know the truth, so I can choose to use one of the options above.  But lying would be lying, and in our moral analysis we shouldn’t confuse it with some other thing.

Vocations, Catechesis & Discipleship

Father V. directs us to this article on “Why Vocations Programs Don’t Work”.  Naturally I think the article is pure genius, since it says thing such as:

If youth ministers and, more specifically, priests take the time to teach their young people how to pray alone, in community, liturgically, before the Blessed Sacrament, with an icon or crucifix, in nature, with Scripture, or with a journal, disciples will emerge. Don’t be fooled; young people desire to learn to pray and to pray well, and they want their leaders to teach them.

Yes.  My kids beg to pray.  Even in my very rough start as a first-year teacher with no training, the day we set a dozen fifth graders loose in the church with brochures on How to Pray The Stations of the Cross, they were all over it. No groovy music, no splash, no drama.  Just a quiet empty church and a prayer card, and the chance to move from station to station and pray.  It was good.  Stunningly good.

Moreover, it’s all too common that those working with youth soft-step around difficult or controversial Church teachings in an attempt not to drive young people away. Gone are the days of young people defining themselves as liberal or conservative Catholics. The stakes are much higher today: either you believe in God or you don’t. As the Southern novelist Walker Percy said upon his Catholic conversion, these days it is either “Rome or Hollywood,” there is no more middle ground. As such, young people want to be challenged. They want to think and understand and wrestle with big ideas. So why not spend time teaching them about the Trinity, the Incarnation, the Paschal Mystery, the Liturgy, and the Last Things? It is no secret that the Church’s teachings on sexuality are counter-cultural, but this is precisely the draw for so many young people—that the human person is more than simply an object of pleasure, and that there is something beautiful about God’s creating us male and female, in his image and likeness, and that there is a divine plan for the way we express ourselves.

To which I say: Preach it, Father.

And yes, all these things need not wait until the kids are 17 and “mature”.  I teach a 100% G-rated class.  Boys and girls know they are boys and girls.  They know that babies come from mothers and fathers.  They know that families are good, and they desperately want to grow up to be like their parents, to live in a home where they are loved by both parents . . . they understand good whether they themselves get to experience it or not.  We who are afraid of controversy, are just afraid of telling the kids what they already know deep down.

And in any case, how exactly does free pizza and a trip to the amusement park prepare a young man for seminary?

–> Would you really promote, say, engineering majors, by hosting a high school engineering club that shied away from any of that frightful math and science  stuff?  Don’t teach the kids to solve equations!  If they truly feel called, they’ll embark on their own quest to discover the value of the unknown!  We don’t want anyone intimated by rigid adherence to the number line!

I’ll stop there.  I have this vocation I need to tend to.  But one of the combox requests at Fr. Ference’s article asks for more detailed “how-to’s”.   At the risk of over-promoting a mighty good blog, I send you to this enjoyable and insightful article on teaching about the Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes.  Which includes a lovely vocations twist I for one had never noticed.