Pinterest Parenting: Behind the Scenes of Raising a DIY Pro

I want to show you my daughter’s handiwork and explain how it got this way, because it’s a story about what parenting really is. When you are comparing your crazy life to some glossy home magazine spread, but it’s a real home inhabited by real people, I want you to understand that it didn’t come from nowhere.

So this is my backyard:

Isn’t it gorgeous! That’s the little grilling area off the kitchen. My daughter (age 14) completely overhauled this space a few weeks ago, with the help of her sisters. It was her response to the three of them being kicked outside until they’d cleaned the place up, on account of their not being able to be quiet inside for even one hour while I took a nap.

No really, that’s the story.

Here’s a before picture. Just kidding, but yes, the place was pretty much trashed.

To the left, behind the grape vines growing up around the mailbox, is the famous green castle. When it was first built the castle looked like this:

That’s the top two stories, and in the photo above you’re looking at a portion of the bottom floor. It’s a bit worn down now, and we’ve replaced boards and added shade over the years. We built it because we only had this teeny-tiny strip of private, fenced backyard area when our kids were little, so we had to build up-not-out for the play structure.

Part of parenting is using the talents you have (my husband did the carpentry) and the resources you have to give your kids some space to grow. This is what we had to give.

Even after this month’s clean-up, there’s still some trashy-looking stuff behind those red doors, but at least it’s down to all purposeful trash. An example is an upside-down plastic flower pot that serves as a table during “City,” the kids’ economics game that is the successor to the even trashier (literally) “Medieval Game.” They make up all kinds of sociological experiments when I kick them outside.

More history . . . See this cute wooden bridge leading to the seating area?

We went to Las Vegas to visit my parents some years ago, and in the early morning while it was still cool out, we’d walk around the neighborhood. The front yard landscaping in suburban Las Vegas is incredible – just gorgeous. The kids took photos of yard ideas, because they wanted a pretty yard. One thing they all liked was a wooden bridge over a rock riverbed formation. Superhusband built them this bridge for the play yard, and it connects to a second patio where we have a laundry sink. That area is not very pretty, though it’s now 90% less trashy than it was a month ago.

Lesson in parenting: We’ve had all these moments where the kids recognize and appreciate beauty, and we build on that . . . and our yard is still mostly trashed. They’re still kids. Their aspirations exceed their self-discipline. We’re still tired parents who don’t make them clean up enough. But slowly the beauty-to-trash ratio improves, year by year.

Here’s some lemon balm my daughter totally stole out of my part of the yard, and put into a terra cotta pot she also stole. I’m good with that, she didn’t mess anything up.

I love to garden, but I basically stink at it. My kids have variable amounts of love of gardening, but it’s not like we’re this amazing family out singing hymns while we hoe all afternoon in the pumpkin patch or something. We buy plants or seeds, stick them in the ground, and most of what we plant dies of drought or flood or some horrible fungus you don’t want me to describe. But a few things survive, and we learn more about what will grow in our actual yard (the garden books are wrong and the internet is wronger), and slowly it fills with things that aren’t entirely dead or pestilent.

Every living plant you see in these photos was a gamble. Life is a gamble. You just keep trying things.

Aren’t these hanging cacti adorable? They are a little freaky if you look closely, because they are leftovers from a life science lab on grafting plants. She has to have franken-cacti because non-school plants are expensive. She took kimchi jars (I know! We buy it! We don’t make our own!) and sawed off the tops, then made the hanging knotwork out of string that came from who-knows-where.

If you want a kid who does DIY’s, you have to let that kid just raid the supplies and try stuff. This is how my home gets trashed. Yes, my home is mostly-trashed in the pursuit of either beauty or laziness, one or the other.

We fought bitterly over where she was allowed to hang her hanging candles. All supplies totally stolen from other parts of the house or yard. Hobby Lobby made zero money on this one.

Look at this pretty sitting area! I got those curtains cheap when the girls were little, and they get used when you want to hang pretty curtains someplace — like if you’re having a princess-themed birthday party or something. They are hanging over the clothes rods and clothes lines that were our attempt to make a place to store all our whitewater gear, but it didn’t work out and was a fetid mess. Blech.

I still don’t know what to do with the whitewater gear. It’s piled in my laundry room waiting for a new home.

All furnishings and accessories in this photo were raided from another part of the house or yard. In some cases there was a weak attempt at either covering up the gaping hole or putting an almost-as-good item in place (like: a bathmat set down by the front door where that rug used to be).

Also, I got yelled at because that rustic wooden box had yucky insects in it. It was super disgusting, I agree with her there — but she totally wanted me to drop everything and decontaminate just so she could have her coffee table. Darling, part of growing up is learning to battle insects all on your own, thanks.

Final thing: The monogrammed pillow. That was made by the 14-year-old express for this project.

Let me explain to you about this.

My kids have had virtually unfettered access to sewing supplies, including a varying number of rescued sewing machines, over the years. Prior to the massive clean-out, this porch was heaped with a crazy-mountain of every kind of craft thing. I don’t even have any sewing things, at all, any more, because my children have stolen them so diligently that now it’s easier to just make them do the sewing, done. (I was never any good at it anyway).

If you want kids who craft — who really get good at developing their own style (I never, ever, monogram anything, no child picked up that habit from me), and thinking up a project and giving it a try, and eventually get to where they’re producing good adult-quality work — you have to let them make a mess.

Maybe you’re good at having them clean up after, maybe you’re not. (I’m not.) But you have to give them space, and let them experiment, and not be horrible about insisting every project be perfect all the time. As I write this, my nine-year-old is baking cupcakes. I just stay out of the room, and she can come ask me questions, and I’ll help her with putting things in and out of the oven when the time comes. If they don’t turn out — whatever. It was only cupcakes.

I let my kids play with paint, and now when I needed a patio table re-painted, I could trust a child to paint it as well as anybody. I let my kids play with food, and now my son cooks dinner as his primary household chore. My kids aren’t perfect. Everything they do doesn’t turn out golden every time. When my daughter took these photos, she carefully framed them to not show the less-pretty parts of our life.

That’s real life: Part beauty, part mess. Sometimes you really need to pay attention to the mess, and sometimes you need to sit back and enjoy the beautiful.

When People Tell Your Kids that Porn is Just Fine

I have a daughter who adores rabbits, and therefore she knows what porn is. “No, dear, you can’t have that particular bunny sticker,” I had to explain several years ago, when she was searching Amazon for, well, bunny stickers.

Why not? She wanted to know, of course.

“Because that’s the logo for a company that sells pictures of naked ladies.”

No need to discuss sex, or what makes porn distinctive. She can intuitively know, by the simple fact that she shuts the door before changing clothes or going to the bathroom, that selling pictures of naked people is wrong-headed.

She has a righteous indignation about the purveying of pornography because a perfectly good rabbit has been co-opted into the works. At her age, I expect she feels as badly for the rabbit as for anyone.

***

The children’s grandmother has a stall in an antique mall. It’s one of these old brick factories that’s now home to a hundred or so vendors of everything that turns up at estate sales. If you want a case of Coca-Cola, unopened, from 1967, this is your place. I have to stay out of there because my sponsor at Vintage Books Anonymous threatened to stage an intervention.

The kids have been going to help their grandmother keep her stall clean and organized since as long as they’ve been old enough not to be a menace to porcelain. They dust knick-knacks and re-fold linens, and put out the latest crop of dishware, and they love doing it. The owner of the mall and the other vendors who work the counter know the kids, and the kids know them.

This week while working at the shop, my nine- and eleven-year-old daughters, always on the lookout for bunny figurines, came across a basket of Playboy that one of the other vendors had displayed on the front counter of his stall.

It’s not just an antique mall anymore, it’s a porn shop.

“Does the owner of the mall know about this?” my husband and I asked, when we heard about it late that night. The vendors stock their own stalls, there’s no central merchandise system.

“Yes. She told him he had to tape the covers shut.”

Ah. I see.

We’re knowingly putting out pornography for children to find as they hunt through the acre of treasure.

“It was right next to the big display of pocket knives,” one of my daughters said helpfully. Because you know, boys are interested in those sorts of things.

Things People Tell My Children About Pornography

But they’re vintage Playboys. I got that argument. It was related to me secondhand by my children, who’d been told that by someone at the shop; I heard it again directly from one of the vendors at the shop. As if dusty porn were somehow not porn.

I told the story to the kids of Msgr. Roth of blessed memory, who preached one Sunday about living out your faith all week long. He’d gone to visit a parish family, and they’d realized too late that their porn was sitting out on the coffee table. They apologized and put it away. Not in the trash—just out of sight. “Don’t put it away for the priest,” he said to the congregation. “You shouldn’t have that in your house at all. If it’s not okay for the priest to see, it’s not okay.”

I don’t know which family he had visited, but I know that I got a babysitting job for a family from church that year, and that was how I got my chance to see what’s inside the covers of Playboy. Apparently church people don’t hide it for the babysitter, either.

But they’re taped shut. That doesn’t change the fact that you’re selling pornography at your store. You’re telling the world that it’s fine to buy and sell this stuff. You’re making the decision to attract buyers of pornography to your business.

But that guy who runs the stall is just trying to make a living. That’s right. He’s decided he wants to profit off the exploitation of women and the uncontrolled lust of those who find pornography so compelling.

I didn’t use those last terms with the children. But I did explain to them, when the topic came up again, that the suicide rate among women involved in the porn industry is astronomical for a reason. They can appreciate why.

Don’t Keep Calm, Don’t Carry On

“I can tell you are very emotional about this,” I was told when I phoned in my complaint.

Yes, indeed. Discovering that people are knowingly putting out pornography for my children to find makes me emotional.

There are times when calm is not the answer.

What kind of sick person thinks we should feel calm about this?

As I told my children, who were well aware I was in rare form over this incident: Women are dead because of what this industry does to them. It is right to be upset about that.

The reality is that we Trumpers think the exploitation of women is AOK. It was fine for those church families way back in the ’80’s, so why wouldn’t it be fine now?

One of the children expressed, in a later discussion, some of the nonchalance they’d absorbed from the world around them. And thus I explained: To tolerate the buying and selling of pornography in your place of business is to say that you think it’s just fine for girls like mine to be exploited this way.

If it’s not okay for your sister to be treated that way, it’s not okay for anybody’s sister to be treated that way.

Parents: Would you be willing to paste your daughter’s face on that centerfold?

Doesn’t feel so wink-wink-giggle-giggle when you look at it that way.

Related: Marcel Lejeune has good handbook out now, written for those seeking to overcome their addiction to pornography. Cleanesd: A Catholic Guide to Freedom from Porn is right to the point, and includes a compact, readable introduction to the deeper issues of the faith behind the right appreciation of human sexuality. Highly recommended for anyone who’s concerned about this issue, whether it’s a personal problem or you just happen to care about your fellow humans.

Cleansed - A Catholic Guide To Freedom From Porn

Cover art courtesy of Pauline Media.

How to Have a Good Mother’s Day – 2 Steps

I don’t really, truly hate Mother’s Day, contrarian posts on the topic not withstanding. There are reasons for this. Two reasons, and they are my patented method for having a good Mother’s Day despite the fact that it is, as it happens, that day. These two steps should work pretty well for most non-mothers, though in some cases the best you’re going to get is not as bad as it could have been.

Step 1: Don’t Expect Things

~~Evil~~ presumably well-intentioned people use this holiday to sell you all kinds of ideas. The idea that you should want to give or receive a particular gift, or that you should want to go to brunch, or that you should want to participate in their fundraiser, or heaven forbid, but it happens, that you should suddenly take an interest in purchasing greeting cards.*

Marketing plus cultural momentum can cause you to develop any number of unrealistic, unhealthy expectations. Resist clinging to these ideas and others like them:

That your family life is and always has been just like the last five minutes of any episode of Little House on the Prairie.
That you like the food other people cook for you.
That today the weather is going to cooperate.
That you are going to get that nap you’ve been really wanting.
That the homily at church is going to be any good, and the Ave Maria is really going to hit that special place in your heart this time.
That the lady who gave you that really weird statue of Mary had better aesthetic sense than you after all.
That your kids are going to spontaneously give up fighting for twenty-four hours.
That your life is pleasant.
That you are going to enjoy this day.

Best Mother’s Day reading? The Silver Chair. Puddleglum has it going on.

Cultivate the right attitude, and when people ask you Monday morning, “Did you have a good Mother’s Day?” you’ll be able to respond quite honestly, “Well, it was almost exactly like the descriptions of the Second Coming, only heavier on stinging insects and with a conspicuous absence of an actual end to time and beginning of eternal life, which I’d been looking forward to — but hey, now I feel totally like the real Second Coming is going to be great. So yeah, it was good. How about yours?”

Step 2: Get Yourself a Present

Bacon is traditional, but you can totally branch out on this one. Waiting for other people to figure out what floats your boat is overrated. Take the initiative. The only rules are that it be something you actually want, and that it be something you can afford. Driving yourself deeper into debt is not Mothers’ Day compliant.

Wait a minute? You’re not a mother? Hah. Who said that had anything to do with it? You have a mother, and that’s what counts. Get yourself a prize.

Note to Skeptics: I am not kidding. Try the method for yourself and be amazed at the results.

* I know many people who purchase greeting cards and are otherwise upright citizens with precious gifts to share with the world. Don’t judge, guys. Don’t judge.

Photo:By Slaunger (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons. Want to know what this quaint little cottage is? Here’s the description from Wikimedia:

The Charnel House, located in a corner of the graveyard at St Helen’s Church in Cliffe, Kent, England. The Charnel House was built during the mid 19th century. It was used as a make-shift mortuary until the bodies were taken away to be buried. Its location close to the river Thames is key as bodies found were washed up or floating along the Thames were retrieved and taken to the charnel house to be stored awaiting identification and burial.

The building continued to be used until the start of the twentieth century, when a series of Public Health Acts forced buildings such as this to become redundant. After this, the Church used it for storage and at one time a hive of bees was also put in there to deter intruders. It is now classified as a Grade II listed building by English Heritage.

And why is it the Wikimedia Image of the Day on the vigil of Mother’s Day? Because Wikimedia knows. Yes, indeed. What you need is a cottage full of bloated corpses, or angry bees as you prefer, and then your holiday will be shiny and bright just like it ought to be.

Welcome Knights and Columbiettes!

I had a great weekend with you, thank you for having me!

If you’d like to continue the quest of bringing your family, friends, and community back to the Catholic Church, the book you want is Return by Brandon Vogt. You can read my endorsement here.

Here’s Brandon’s quick article on Seven Steps to Bring Any Young Person Back to the Church.

This works. Do this.

Cover art courtesy of https://helpthemreturn.com/game-plan.

News & Links: Four Variations on the Parent Problem.

1. Now up at New Evangelizers, my latest contribution to the RE Conflagration:

The answer to the parent-problem is simple: Evangelize them. Mom or Dad (or Grandma or Grandpa) has darkened the doors of Church, and so what if they’re just there for the poinsettias or the white dress, run with it! Welcome them, share the Gospel with them, and bend over backward to make it possible for them to take another step forward in their faith. They might or might not choose to accept that invitation, but we can at least eliminate as many excuses as possible.

Also you learn something about the state of my garden. Which is no better than the state of my housekeeping, as it happens. Despite the fact that I love the one and could happily dispense with the other. Go figure.

2. Update from yesterday’s round of vexation, condensed and paraphrased version:

Dr. W: I dunno what’s wrong. How about we do a heart cath?

Us: Really?

Dr. W: Really.

Us: Really?!

Dr. W: Really.

We did that about twenty different ways, then set a date for March 12th. He said I was probably quite safe checking the mail in the meantime. And anything else I feel like doing.

(He didn’t mean “anything I feel like doing” as in: Break into the box of Easter chocolate. He meant like physical exercise and stuff.)

UPDATE TO CLARIFY per a question from a friend: By “twenty different ways”, what I mean is that we talked about all the medical issues and agreed on a plan. Didn’t mean that to sound like we just shook the 8 Ball or something.

3. If you want do something double-good this Lent, consider reading one of Ann Frailey’s books.

4. Please pray for the repose of the soul of Larry D’s father. Who popped into my mind for entirely other reasons, which I’ll chat more about a different day.

7 Takes – Laziness ‘n Liturgical Living

1. Catholic Icing has an Advent / Christmas planning guide out, and if I were that type of person, I’d get one. Everything I have ordered from Catholic Icing has been top notch.

2. But I’m not that type of person. Which is why this Halloween about noonish my children quick went outside and hung white plastic trash bags in the tree (ghosts) in a last-minute attempt to show the world we were festive.

Most of the ghosts did eventually come back down, but we still have one up, reminding us that November’s the month for praying for all souls. Handy, eh? The ghost has to come down by the end of the month though, and by then I’ll have worked up the motivation to firmly insist it be done.

3. In this same way, you can hold onto the Easter theme all 8 weeks, and not be like those wretched sinners who put the bunnies away after just one or two weeks of Easter. After 8 weeks of looking at a smiling bunny, even the laziest procrastinators are moved by the Holy Spirit, and/or disgust, into putting the bunny away on Pentecost.

(Some of us are truly ~~an Easter~~ a Bunny People, and thus there’s a rabbit on the mantle all year. But we put away the no-doubt-anymore-they’re-dead Easter flowers in mid-June, and leave up just the Ordinary Time Rabbit.)

4. So. Advent’s coming. You might be thinking, “I need to get ready for Christmas!”

Actually you don’t.

5. Here’s how lazy people are better, following this clever decorating scheme:

First Sunday of Advent: Scramble around your house looking for some kind of Advent-y decoration after you get home from Mass, where you were reminded the season is upon you. It’ll probably involve re-purposing the purple cape from someone’s Halloween costume. Go with it.

During Advent: Stay home from all those obnoxious Christmas events you never liked anyway. You’ll be happier, and more liturgically-correct, which gives you a Pleasing Sense of Smug Superiority.

Tip: Go ahead and go to the events that you actually enjoy. You can hold onto your PSSS by telling yourself that either (a) your attendance is an act of charity towards your hosts or (b) this particular event is the perfect way to prepare for the Christmas season.

Christmas Eve: Use the One Day Rule.

6. The One Day Rule is this: Do no more decorating for Christmas than can be accomplished in one day. You may start as early at the 23rd if your schedule dictates, but the 24th is better.

The One Day Rule is superior because:

(a) You’ll never worry you’re over-doing it and losing sight of the reason for the season.

(b) You won’t get angry at your spouse for sitting around eating popcorn while you slave for weeks getting all the decorations up.

(d) It will only take one day to un-decorate, come the languid aftermath of the Presentation.

(e) Actually, you’ll probably get sick of most of your decorations before you’ve completed your 40 Days of Christmas, so the post-Presentation clean-up won’t be that bad. But you do have to put away the St. Nick statue on Feb 3rd. Or else scoot him into a pleasing arrangement with the Ordinary Time Rabbit.

Note: The spouse and children may decorate all they please throughout the Advent season, and you must only scowl at them if they either (a) really go overboard or (b) have the temerity to try to make you put down your popcorn and help. You’re busy being holy this Advent, you’ll string lights on the 24th, thank you.

Also: You are allowed to remove the batteries / cut the wires from the Singing Christmas Elf at any time during the Advent season, or even before. Advent may have a penitential note to it, but Dark Night of the Ears it is not.

7. Wait a minute! You forgot to buy presents! Never fear, Liturgical Mom is here. You just need a couple cool things for the 25th and 26th, and you probably bought them on impulse because your kids are so cute you couldn’t help it. The morning of the 27th is the perfect day to go out and acquire your other 10 Days of Christmas Loot.

Tip #1: If you know for a fact that all your kids are getting on the 25th is a shiny box of paperclips, but you *are* planning to buy something bigger come the post-Christmas sales, because you are a red-blooded American, albeit a very frugal one, you can announce that henceforth the family will be celebrating Ephiphany as the big day for gifts.

Tip #2: Some of your days of Christmas don’t have to be Merchandise Days of Christmas. Around our house we have, among others:

The Baking Day of Christmas.

The Gingerbread House Day of Christmas.

The Going to the Zoo Day of Christmas.

The Eating at Waffle House, yes it’s that rare, Day of Christmas.

And so forth. This year we’ll have one of these Ornament Kit Days of Christmas, because the girls have one and they mean to use it.

Also, at our home, we invariably have the Naughty Children Day of Christmas, in which our over-festivated youth decide that housework is overrated, and since the living room is a mess, still, we send them to bed early and thus observe the Parents’ Peace and Quiet Evening of Christmas.

8. Bonus Take: Equal Exchange is a very good source for stocking-fodder. You can sign up as an individual customer or as an organizational customer (a small, private buying cooperative counts as an organization) depending on the quanities you’ll be buying. The cool thing about this is that in addition to the PSSS that comes with buying all fair-trade chocolate, you won’t be tempted to pick up those horrid overpriced impulse-candies at the store.

9. Bonus Take, Easter edition: If you live in the southern US, you have to order your Easter chocolate before Lent begins, because it may be too warm for the chocolate to survive the 5th week of Lent.

Piety Alert: Everyone will know you broke your Lenten penance if they end up with horrid grocery-store Easter candy in their baskets despite having seen the expensive stuff arrive at the door in March. Which terrifying thought will give you an infusion of self-control to help you through the long month and a half looking at the duct-taped box from Equal Exchange. (Your box does not arrived duct-taped. But, tip: Duct tape can really assist your quest for personal holiness. Just sayin’.)

7 Takes: Sinner’s Guide to NFP Giveaway Day

1. If you didn’t come here from there already, go visit our hostess. She’s got an especially entertaining set of takes up, including a bit of other interesting bookishness, Tom Clancy edition.

2. Of course you want this book:

That is why you’re here today, right? Excellent.

3. I read this book. This is how I know you want it. Or, if you answered #2 incorrectly, you would want it if only you were in your right mind this morning.

3.5: What if you already have a copy?! And now it’s too late to win one! You’re allowed to enter and win for a friend instead. See? Thanksgiving present. Perfect.

3.75: As I told you last week, it’s AOK to enter this contest, win the book, and never come back to this blog again. I so don’t care and am not keeping track.

4. Here’s the scoop on the book, and why you need to reform your ways if you didn’t answer #2, 3, 3.5, or 3.75 correctly:

(A) You know how you hate NFP? You use it and all, or you would, but it’s maybe not the rapturous experience that you always dreamt of, when you first read the words “cervical mucus”? This book is about that. NFP Frustration.

(B) The book doesn’t talk about cervical mucus. It doesn’t have 10 Ways to Get a Better Temp Rise, Faster! Now! A Full 4/10ths of a Degree or Your Money Back!!

Most books are better if they don’t include that. –> Except if you’re trying to learn NFP. In which case the amusing way in which this contest is being run will help you with that.

(C) Every stupid thing about NFP ever. said. by some idiot who clearly has a Josephite marriage and prefers it that way (did Joseph? I’m skeptical.), REFUTED! Blammo! In YOUR PLACE crazy people. Done.

(D) Except charitably.

(E) Downright Theology of the Body, if you must know. Only, it’s not, “I drank the TOTB water, and now I drool unicorns and rainbows.” It’s more like: “Hey! TOTB Water! You can brew beer with that!”

(F) It’s a short book.

(G) There were points where I did not laugh out loud. I laughed so hard sound would not come out of my body. I would have rolled on the floor laughing, except that I was laughing too hard to fall out of my chair. I’m sure it was weird looking. There are certain chapters you might not want to read in public.

(H) We aren’t doing the whole alphabet.

(I) But I thought up another thing: This book is the perfect marriage book. So if you know somebody who’s married, or who is thinking of getting married, this would be a great gift. I’ve been married 47.5% of my life. I know what it takes. Simcha’s nailed it. On the head.

(J) It’s pronounced “Sim-ka”. Like the “ch” sound in “School”. Because Simka’s so chool.

(K) Yeah, I was saying it wrong too.

(L) I didn’t ask how to pronounce “Fisher”. We’re all just winging it on that one.

5. How to Enter the Contest

[UPDATE: I made an easier entry method over at AmazingCatechists.com. Go there for the simple name-and-a-comment version. You can also make it your 4th entry, if you’ve done all three here. Now back to how it works here . . .]

The giveaway takes place ~~100%~~ 98% in my combox. I just cleaned out my spambox, but you’ll be more likely not to end up permanently moderated if you don’t choose a name like, “Free Nike’s Cheap” or “Real Louis Vuitton.” If your name is also the name of a famous piece of merchandise, or includes a grocer’s apostrophe, you might wish to use an alias for this one.

To enter the contest, leave a comment here in this post. Not a different post. This post. Give yourself a username (it can be anything, but if you win, Simcha’s going to call you that name), and leave an e-mail address in the field that asks for it, which only I the moderator can see, a nobody else. If you like, go get yourself a free e-mail account solely for this contest, if that’s the way you roll. You don’t need to fill out the “website” field, though if your entry is especially amusing, people might want to know about you.

You get up to three entries within your comment.

Entry #1: Say something nice to Simcha! Examples of winning entries:

“Hi, Simcha!”

“Thanks for writing this book!”

“Your kids are cute!”

“I’m not stalking you, Simcha, I just want a free book, that’s all!”

Entry #2: There’s nothing in Simcha’s book about how to actually use NFP. So tell us where you learned NFP, or give us a link to a useful website you like, or something else that will help the puzzled people who have no idea why 4/10ths of a degree is so, so, important.

#2: Alternative: If you have no clue about those 4/10ths, you can say that. You could also say something like, “I don’t know why cervical mucus is such a big deal,” or “I wish I could be as cool as you NFP-using ladies, but instead I answered the call to holy orders, but I need this book for my couple that does marriage prep, and the finance council won’t give me $4.99.” Or whatever.

Entry #3: NFP. Discuss.

#3 Alternative: Tell us a good joke. Something clean, or I’ll have to edit it.

6. You don’t have to do all three entries. But you increase your odds of winning if you do.

7. The drawing will be done using accounting methods, not literary ones. You don’t have to be clever to win, you just have to vaguely sort of follow instructions.

The contest closes at Midnight on Monday, November 4th. By “Midnight”, what we mean is sometime after midnight in NYC, and probably no sooner than about 4 – 5 AM Tuesday, later if we’re lucky. By “Tuesday”, what we mean is, “A day that comes after Monday, and it might even really be Tuesday.”

If you are the winner, I will announce your username from the combox on this blog so that everyone knows, sort of, who won. I will also e-mail you using the address you gave me. If it becomes apparent that you expired from the shock and pleasure of it all, we’ll pick a new winner.

–> Simcha will then send you your copy of the book in the digital format of your choice, from her collection of possible digital formats. She’s really nice about helping technically-challenged people figure out how to open their book. I tested her on this to make sure.

Enter now!

Sinner’s Guide cover art courtesy of Amazon.com.

3.5 Time Outs: Tigering

Thanks once again to our host Larry D. at Acts of the Apostasy, who is himself Mr. Thankful today, good guy that he is.

3.5 Time Outs Tuesday — Click and be amazed.

Yesterday the kids and I turned out at the parish gym to help get the St. Vincent de Paul boxes of Thanksgiving food put together. It was our first time. It’s a two-step operation, well-run, which is what happens when you have a ministry put into the hands of a large group of retired professionals. We arrived during opening prayers; long tables were already set up with different food-category stations on each table, clearly labeled. Green beans, corn, other vegetables, canned fruit, snacks, pasta, breakfast, cranberry sauce . . . etc.

In one corner was the haul of imperishables donated by the parish the previous day. Our first job was to grab bags of unsorted food and walk the tables, getting all our food to the proper piles. Three big kids worked independently, with the occasional, “Mom, what is this?” question about mysterious food items. My only rule was Please Do Not Pick a Bag With Glass Jars In It.

6-year-old and I worked as a team. She was quite insistent about putting all the food from her bag up on the tables herself. If I impulsively reached in to help her quickly get all her creamed soup cans shelved, she’d complain, and I’d have to let her put up one of my food items as compensation for her missed opportunity.

The second job was to get the freshly-organized foods into the baskets. Our leader walked the aisles and estimated how many of each item we had, and thus how many could be put into each box. Then each person or team was given a food product to distribute. We were the Stuffing People. Two boxes of stuffing in each of the hundred boxes. Half-dozen Hispanic families had their boxes pulled aside, and our venerable Spanish Lady (a real live 80-something lady originally from Spain, with a brilliantly German last name) saw that all the salsa and tortillas went into those boxes. Hint: If you are more of a salsa person than a weird-packets-of-instant-gravy person, if you ever need food relief, give the SVDP ladies a Spanish-sounding pseudonym.

Tigering is the new verb around our house.

Tigering is what The Tiny Tiger does. All the time.

What with the Groaning Ladies Show having come to season’s end, Sunday and last night we watched The Dust Bowl. Good way to get your head on straight for Thanksgiving.

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Fifi the resident cat does not care for the Tiny Tiger. But she seems to be getting along with the young interloper better now that the Tiger has been taken on as the Chief Pot-Licker’s protege. Last night during The Dust Bowl, all pots having been duly cleaned, they spent a full two hours rough-housing in the living room.

So the dog knows that the bunnies and chickens and the cat belong to us, and that the kitten is an orphaned puppy in need of a good upbringing. She also knows that squirrels and voles are for hunting, but that SuperHusband will step in and take over when it comes to possums. There was confusion the other week though, about what to do with the big fuzzy

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Well, that’s all for this week. Tuesday’s Link Day, which is when instead of e-mailing fun things I ought to post but forget to, you just tell the world all by yourself. Entirely optional. I’m pretty swamped with real life but I’ll try to post updates here as I work through my to-do list elsewhere on the internet. Have a great week.

3.5 Time Outs: Entertained.

Thanks once again to our host Larry D. at Acts of the Apostasy, who has his own entertainment post up today.

At CatholicMom.com, I have a post up for November about how to get along at holiday parties, even if people bring up the topic of homeschooling. Apparently I hit a chord, because I’ve gotten some good feedback. Mostly from non-homeschoolers. Also, it was a great excuse to use this photo:

It would be convenient if I had married a guy who liked to take pictures of homeschoolers, and CCD classes, and stuff like that. (Um, except, we’re not allowed to publish photos of CCD kids, so I guess it would just be some adult teaching and a bunch of blurred-out backs of heads.) Instead every month I amuse Lisa Hendey with my proposed alternate illustration for the homeschooling column. So far she hasn’t rejected any. Patient lady.

Sunday night I helped out in a colleague’s CCD class by dressing up like this venerable creole candidate for sainthood:

I own absolutely nothing that could be described at mid-19th century clothing, but the 6th graders were very polite, and overlooked the fact that my costume was really more like Faux-Edwardian-Pulled-From-late-20th-Century-Closet. Also, I learned a surprising number of the kids had some knowledge of the French language. I’d estimate 2/5ths of the class.

Heartening: 95% of the class had no difficulty with coming to Ven. Henriette’s same conclusion, that having a wife in the countryside and a mistress in the city was not the Catholic way. Good for them. The other 5% just weren’t paying attention, but once they heard what I had said, they too, agreed. I guess it’s easier in 6th grade, when who wants a girlfriend anyway?

Eldest daughter and I have recently gotten hooked on The Groaning Lady Show. So-called by the guys in our household. Who always come and watch it.

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St. Monica, of course. In other homeschooling news:

a) We’ve completed Q1 with varying amounts of success, and are jumping into Q2 today with varying amounts of enthusiasm.

b) I tried to vote mid-morning, but estimated the line was about an hour long, not so fun for young children, particularly the one with a nasty scrape on her hand from tripping on the walk down the block, plus an un-fun headcold. We retreated, charged the iPods, and will give it another shot after lunch with entertainment in hand. Most years there isn’t much of a line, but apparently people are a touch worked up about this election. Go figure.

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Henriette Delille: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Henriettedelille.gif [Public Domain]

3.5 Time Outs: Charisms

Thanks once again to our host Larry D. at Acts of the Apostasy, who’s got the best hurricane photo going.

SuperHusband & I went to the state Catholic Charismatic Conference this weekend. Friday evening began with such a promising start that we dragged the kids along Saturday so we could both attend all day. Yes, I bribed them. They seem to be okay with that.

I don’t actually have a charismatic bent, but it’s comfortable enough once you’ve traveled in Evangelical circles for a while. Here’s what we liked:

All the songs were about God, and directed to Him.
The guest speaker taught the Catholic faith.
The people were friendly.

Yep. I will totally turn out for that.

The retreat leader was Fr. Peter Sanders from New Pentecost Catholic Ministries. The topic was “The Character of Christ”, the focus being on using the cardinal virtues to conform your life to Christ. Knowing nothing else about the guy than what I saw and heard Friday and Saturday, I’d recommend him if you are looking for a guest speaker. 100% Catholic, no patience for New Age nonsense, and no patience for the showboating that can swirl around certain Charismatic circles (not something I’ve ever seen from a local, FYI).

Recall that SuperHusband reverted to the Church less than two years ago, though he’d been attending Catholic churches for all his vacation/travel church attendance for years prior. This was the first time he’d ever heard of the cardinal virtues. Next day at dinner he was telling some friends about the talks. “What a great framework! Apparently it’s this well-established thing. Very useful. I wonder why I’ve never heard a sermon about it? You’d think it would be the kind of thing priests would teach in their homilies.”

I’ve been Catholic much longer, and I think I’ve heard a priest mention the virtues in passing one time. Note to priests and deacons: “The Cardinal Virtues” isn’t being overdone these days. You could preach about that. Thanks.

Because homework is not his charism, our boy is currently living the iPod-free lifestyle. Which means he needs some kind of other music to listen to when he does dishes. So he’s taken to composing fake VBS theme songs. Yesterday’s was, “I’m a Little Bitty Platypus in a Great Big World”. Took me hours to get the tune out of my head.

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I went crazy and volunteered my own house for the annual homeschool All Saints Party (long story), because certain of my children have been planning their costumes for months. Eldest daughter did a saint-change on account of how even though it’s very cool to carry around eyeballs on a platter, St. Lucy is just too easy to guess. She’s going with a more obscure saint. And the youngest is of course going to be

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Well, that’s all for this week. Tuesday’s Link Day, which is when instead of e-mailing fun things I ought to post but forget to, you just tell the world all by yourself. Entirely optional. I’m pretty swamped with real life but I’ll try to post at least once more this week as I work through my review-backlog. Have a great week.

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