About My Mom . . .

. . . Something I can say with certainty:

There was never a moment of doubt, not a single moment, but that my mother loved all of us children with her whole heart. She was, and in eternal life remains, the very embodiment of maternal love.

***

I can say the same of my grandmothers, stepmother, mother-in-law, grandmothers-in-law, a whole host of aunts of assorted stripes, and a collection of other fine women who have been mothers to me.

I am very well supplied.

Photo: My mother’s baptism cross, and a heart pendant my stepmother gave me. Love them both.

How to Have a Good Mother’s Day – 2 Steps

I don’t really, truly hate Mother’s Day, contrarian posts on the topic not withstanding. There are reasons for this. Two reasons, and they are my patented method for having a good Mother’s Day despite the fact that it is, as it happens, that day. These two steps should work pretty well for most non-mothers, though in some cases the best you’re going to get is not as bad as it could have been.

Step 1: Don’t Expect Things

~~Evil~~ presumably well-intentioned people use this holiday to sell you all kinds of ideas. The idea that you should want to give or receive a particular gift, or that you should want to go to brunch, or that you should want to participate in their fundraiser, or heaven forbid, but it happens, that you should suddenly take an interest in purchasing greeting cards.*

Marketing plus cultural momentum can cause you to develop any number of unrealistic, unhealthy expectations. Resist clinging to these ideas and others like them:

That your family life is and always has been just like the last five minutes of any episode of Little House on the Prairie.
That you like the food other people cook for you.
That today the weather is going to cooperate.
That you are going to get that nap you’ve been really wanting.
That the homily at church is going to be any good, and the Ave Maria is really going to hit that special place in your heart this time.
That the lady who gave you that really weird statue of Mary had better aesthetic sense than you after all.
That your kids are going to spontaneously give up fighting for twenty-four hours.
That your life is pleasant.
That you are going to enjoy this day.

Best Mother’s Day reading? The Silver Chair. Puddleglum has it going on.

Cultivate the right attitude, and when people ask you Monday morning, “Did you have a good Mother’s Day?” you’ll be able to respond quite honestly, “Well, it was almost exactly like the descriptions of the Second Coming, only heavier on stinging insects and with a conspicuous absence of an actual end to time and beginning of eternal life, which I’d been looking forward to — but hey, now I feel totally like the real Second Coming is going to be great. So yeah, it was good. How about yours?”

Step 2: Get Yourself a Present

Bacon is traditional, but you can totally branch out on this one. Waiting for other people to figure out what floats your boat is overrated. Take the initiative. The only rules are that it be something you actually want, and that it be something you can afford. Driving yourself deeper into debt is not Mothers’ Day compliant.

Wait a minute? You’re not a mother? Hah. Who said that had anything to do with it? You have a mother, and that’s what counts. Get yourself a prize.

Note to Skeptics: I am not kidding. Try the method for yourself and be amazed at the results.

* I know many people who purchase greeting cards and are otherwise upright citizens with precious gifts to share with the world. Don’t judge, guys. Don’t judge.

Photo:By Slaunger (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons. Want to know what this quaint little cottage is? Here’s the description from Wikimedia:

The Charnel House, located in a corner of the graveyard at St Helen’s Church in Cliffe, Kent, England. The Charnel House was built during the mid 19th century. It was used as a make-shift mortuary until the bodies were taken away to be buried. Its location close to the river Thames is key as bodies found were washed up or floating along the Thames were retrieved and taken to the charnel house to be stored awaiting identification and burial.

The building continued to be used until the start of the twentieth century, when a series of Public Health Acts forced buildings such as this to become redundant. After this, the Church used it for storage and at one time a hive of bees was also put in there to deter intruders. It is now classified as a Grade II listed building by English Heritage.

And why is it the Wikimedia Image of the Day on the vigil of Mother’s Day? Because Wikimedia knows. Yes, indeed. What you need is a cottage full of bloated corpses, or angry bees as you prefer, and then your holiday will be shiny and bright just like it ought to be.

Update: What is wrong with people?

The answer to, “How’s it going, Jen?” remains, “Pretty well, thanks!” I resurrected the Nine Annoying Things Novena over at the blorg last week, and the pray-ers did well. Hence today’s story:

So I go see Dr. Maybe yesterday, and they did the dreaded Six Minute Walk. And here is the very, very, What is wrong with people? situation: I did almost as well as predicted.

Seriously? Is this really all they expect out of pleasantly-plump 40-somethings? You’re kidding me.

You do the walk with a pulse oximeter, which means you can cheat and watch your heart rate. This is handy if you are the kind of person who knows at about what heart rate the gasping kicks in (see archives below for the secret), and thus you can maximize your distance by walking right at that special speed where you’re coughing a bit and your head feels like you just tossed back two glasses of champagne on an empty stomach, but hey, you aren’t going to faint, and even though death feels like the perfect next step, you can do it for six minutes. Or at least, you can do it that long if a stern nurse in pink scrubs gives you a face like she’ll spank you if you quit early.

It appears the pulmonologists aren’t big believers in pedestrian transportation.

***

Anyhow, I like the new guy, whose brain jumps around so much I finally pulled out a notebook and made a list of all the tests and appointments he was rattling off, because I had a feeling one or two might get lost in the shuffle if no one wrote them down, stat.

Ruled out again this morning — for good, this time? — pulmonary embolisms. Sent away three vials of blood — I’m not sure he’s quite to the point of looking for tropical diseases (I’ve never been to the tropics), but he’s almost there. More interesting tests coming along soon, looking for weird variants on regular asthma and exercise-induced asthma, and also he’s going to see if he can get my heart rate up high enough (on a treadmill, not with those evil chemicals) that the O2 levels drop, or something else interesting happens that gives us a clue.

We’re having real problems with finding clues. The trouble we’re having is that I’m dreadfully healthy for someone who’s sucking wind and coughing while ambling at grocery-store pace, minus the cart.

***

Blorging over the past couple weeks, for those who don’t subscribe:

May 7, 2014 Religion is about Reality – and so is the Black Mass In which someone in the combox accuses me of “shooting off my mouth”. What exactly is a blog for, if not that?

May 6, 2014 It’s Not Friendship if it Can’t Withstand Disagreement Because I have the coolest friends. Yes I do.

May 5, 2014 What I Write, Why I Write, How I Write . . . #mywritingprocess This is the truth, but I’m going to reveal more details at CWG later this month.

May 5, 2014 Tell Me About Your Favorite Homeschooling Conference @CatholicMom.com Listen, if you know about a good homeschooling conference, go over the link in this post and leave a comment. I can’t believe no one did this, even after I bumped the CMom post to two different conference-hosts that I knew about. Sheesh.

May 5, 2014 Inside the Glamorous World of Religion Blogging – Parody for the 5th Blorgiversary, featuring a video of me making everyone else seem as glamorous as Jen Fulwiler.

May 3, 2014 Guns in Church: The Divide Boils Down to Subsidiarity – I don’t much write about gun stuff. But when the Archbishop of Gunlandia does something to tick off all his redneck parishioners, someone has to get out some catechism quotes, right? FYI – post includes a link to my A/C article where I say there, concisely, what I’ve said here, verbosely: This is a topic on which Catholics of good will can disagree, and catechists need to leave their agendas at home.

May 2, 2014 Pomp without Vanity: A True Story from a Parish Photo Directory – My kid is as cool as Fr. Longenecker, and much, much prettier.

May 1, 2014 Fun Stuff: Beautification Claws From the Case Files of DragonEye, PI – Free short story. Catholic dragon.

May 1, 2014 Tried and True Ways to Eliminate People With Disabilities #BADD2014 – Review of what I blogged for BADD here last year. Because it’s still true. Quit trying to kill the people who bother you.

April 30, 2014 Something Fun: Armored Combat League World Championship May 1 – 3 – Because I have the coolest friends. Have I mentioned that?

April 30, 2014 Just Say No to Needy Busybodies

April 29, 2014 Heart Rate Training for Fitness in Chronic Illness – This is actually a useful post. It’s how I managed to nearly pass the 6-minute walk, despite being seriously seriously not well. And if I’d taken the walk two days earlier, I would’ve aced it out of sheer racing-preparation common sense.

April 29, 2014 Mid-Easter Evangelization: Time for an Egg Hunt! – Link to my column at NE, which got picked up as a reprint by at least one parish bulletin. I can die happy now. I have succeeded as a Catholic writer.

April 28, 2014 Trusting God When Life Isn’t Easy – Link to Pauline Media’s brand new, free, digital magazine. I wrote one of the articles in it.

April 28, 2014 Midlands Homeschool Convention – Last Day for Discounted Registration – Your one and only chance to see me speak in 2014. Turn out. It’s going to be cool.

April 28, 2014 Classroom Management for Catechists – Spanish Edition for Fall 2014 – I do a happy dance.

April 26, 2014 Why is Obedience a Virtue?

April 25, 2014 Real Life Prayer Gardening A picture of the dog who keeps my prayer life going. And my garden.

April 24, 2014 A Deadly Faith – Gospel Reflection @CatholicMom.com – I had forgotten all about writing this, but then I read it, and it was really good. Surprisingly good. Follow this to get the link to the CMom piece, and yes pastors, you may run it as a reprint in your bulletin next time Holy Week comes around. Or whenever.

April 23, 2014 Divine Mercy Sunday – What’s it all about?? – Relevant every day at 3pm. Or other times you have 7 minutes to spare and your prayer life needs a little something.

Knowing vs. Really Knowing

Sunday morning list of things we pretty much knew, but now we’re absolutely certain:

1. I was not made for wedding processions. Barring strict orders otherwise, I’ve given it up. Walk at a decent clip, cough cough cough, and sleep half the day. Much better. Moderation is overrated.

2.Properly-deployed Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist *rock*. You who are prone to getting your socks in a wad over Speed Communion, in your Therese-like practice of self-control, resist the urge to make snarky comments to your pastor about how he’s doing it wrong. The handy thing about parishes that unleash a fleet of EME’s at every Mass is that you know exactly whom to call when you’ve got a sick person at home. So maybe your pastor’s doing it right after all.

3. Go to daily Mass when you can, and you’ll have it to draw upon when you can’t. Nothing beats the silence of a good weekday Mass. Grab one as often as you’re able, and that silence banks up in your soul. It doesn’t go away. Go when you can. When you can, go.

(#3 I didn’t actually know. It’s a pleasant surprise.)

A Feast Day Gift for You & Your Friends

If you are looking for some Petrine thoughts out of me today, take a look at the workbook I put together for today’s CCW retreat. It’s conveniently stored on this page here on the blog, and this is the direct link to the PDF. It is not for sale, but you may use it and reuse it and pass it around.

Please keep the retreat folks in prayer. Might I observe that the Joyful Mysteries are perfect for this sort of occasion? Those of you who won’t see this request until after the retreat is over, consider yourself part of the post-retreat-letdown-prevention wing of the prayer group. Thanks!

Linking Around: Liturgy & Music & Lady Susan & More

Now up at New Evangelizers: I went to St. Mary’s, Greenville, and came home with a book report. About the bulletin.

***

So that visit prompted a twitter conversation between me & Katie O’Keefe — she started it, of course, and made personal twitter history with me, because it was my first ever use of the medium for conversation. Now look, she’s started construction on a website related to church music. Score. I am waiting, waiting, waiting for her to publish her list of must-know sacred music, because I don’t want to spill the beans. But it’s a good list.

Meanwhile SuperHusband and #2 have been sneaking into the city to get schooled by Dr. Music at the for-serious choir, where they were desperate enough for a second ~~base~~ bass that they’d accept a low tenor who openly admitted he was just there for singing lessons. Dr. Music, being that kind of guy, is perfectly happy to train cantors from other parishes. He just wants more good music in the world.

Something interesting to read: Liturgical Music Today: The Best of Times, The Worst of Times. Maybe the book is terrible. But the interview sounds . . . sane.

Something Not About Liturgical Music interesting to read: Brandon @ Siris on why Lady Susan is mighty mighty good Jane Austen. I need to re-read.

***

Something else: Dr. Greg links here to an article about relationships & parenting / homeschooling / discipline / all that stuff. There were a handful of threads this week revolving about this theme, very timely for me in light of my talk in two weeks.

I think my book makes it abundantly clear that a healthy relationship with your students is foundational to classroom management. If you miss that, you missed the one big thing. The rest is just tactics for how to have that relationship. Those aren’t the terms I use. But that’s the deal.

So, having been reminded that maybe some folks would miss the ocean for the waves, I’ll be sure to point that out. I think I’m going to make it a regular refrain.

HINT: You know that word “discipline”? And how it has the word “disciple” hiding inside of it? Try to imagine Our Lord not having a relationship with His disciples. Doesn’t work, does it? Can’t have one without the other.

On the radio, no one knows you’re wearing clothes.

Speaking of swimsuits . . . Just back from a quick round of field research* on the Gulf of Mexico (Happy 90th, Grandma!), on the agenda today:

1. A selection of CWG officers are chatting today on Radio Maria with Deacon Harold Burke-Sivers, 11AM EST. You can listen online, or if 11AM finds you obliged to be all responsible, click on the podcast later.

2. I’ll try not to sound all goofy like I did in the recording of my interview with Teresa Tomeo. I didn’t post the recording (because: goofy), but her thoughts on Catholics in the media are up at CWG. When I grow up, I want my talking points to sound as smooth as hers do.

3. Last Saturday I wrote about sex ed resources at CatholicMom.com. For Mater et Magistra subscribers, a more comprehensive round-up of TOTB stuff for parents and their kids is out in print in the summer issue. Summary: You have no excuse. Teach your kids (and yourself as needed) up from down, right from wrong. You can do it.

4. Homeschool co-op is going great. Mostly.

Prayer requests:

(a) that I wouldn’t sound more geeky than necessary today on the radio

(b) that Jon & I would discern correctly on whether to become presenters for Family Honor

(d) that John Hathaway’s lung would go back where it belongs, and stay there.

Thanks.

Also (e) that the SuperHusband’s dislocated ribs would behave and heal quickly.

Double thanks!

*Conclusion: Dolphins look great just as they are. Also, my family is pretty cool.

Why read (or write) Catholic fiction?

Over at New Evangelizers: The Case for Catholic Fiction. And more specifically . . . the case for middlebrow, readable, not-so-literary Catholic fiction.

–> Though I have no beef with the more artful stuff. Bring it on. It’s just that I don’t know those titles so well. But Christian LeBlanc does . . . he loaded the combox with all kinds of grown-up titles. Smart guy.

I read kids’ books. They’re short.

Modesty in a Nutshell

If it’s rude for me to talk about it, it’s rude for you to show it to me.

About that Book You’re Reading this Summer

. . . here’s what you need to know:

You’ll be reading Forming Intentional Disciples by Sherry Weddell, which I happen to think is one of the most important Catholic books on the market today. Important enough that I’m putting together a local book club in my own town, to meet and discuss the book. And so are you? Yes?

And because you like to talk about things on the internet, you’ll be visiting CatholicMom.com’s Lawn Chair Catechism discussion group. Led by Sarah Reinhard, whom you’ll recognize as one of my favorite writer-people. And who is an extroverted friendly person, so I bet sheee never clams up when it’s time to drop the J-word. She’ll be doing one of those linky-link festivals, or you can participate in the combox at CatholicMom.com, or at a participating blog near you.

(This blog is very near you.)

Because you don’t have a ton of money . . . Our Sunday Visitor is watching out for you: From now until the end of the month, you can purchase the book from the publisher’s website for $10, free shipping, no minimum. This is basically the wholesale price. Sarah asked OSV for a little coupon, and they responded with extreme generosity.

Because actually you’re ~~illiterate~~ very busy, but you like to talk about evangelization, or at least just complain about what’s wrong with the world . . . CatholicMom.com has pre-released the weekly discussion questions, which include a cliff-notes executive summary of each chapter. Find the link at the Lawn Chair Catechism landing page.

Because you’re exceedingly irritated that I’ve suddenly started using Facebook to post links to this event, and not a single cat photo . . . send your hate mail to Christian LeBlanc, Fr. Longenecker, and the SuperHusband. They started it, not me. I just write stuff and talk a lot.