Top 10 Papist Travesties Your Congregation Should Trash This Instant

Now many of my non-Catholic readers aren’t so much protesters as “Mere Christians” and can happily get along with some Jesus-art, whether plain plaster or glow-in-the-dark like the Good Lord intended. But there are always a few who are true Protestant’s Protestants, and need to clean house of any popery that might have sneaked into the pews* by accident.

As a history buff and confirmed papist, I’m here to help you root out all traces of Romishness quicker than you can say “whore of Babylon.”  Here are the ten biggest offenders:

The Trinity.  Does the Bible even use the word Trinity?  No it does not.  Obviously invented by bishops.

Illustrated Bibles. Your KJV comic book Bible is really just the Book of Kells in sheep’s clothing.  Seriously you weren’t thinking of buying that I hope?  Honestly the whole thing has to go.

Hospitals.  Monks and nuns and bishops and all that stuff. If you opened a hospital, people would basically think you were Catholic.

Universities.  Talk about pure popery from the get-go.  Avoid.

Latin.  There’s nothing more Romish than the language of Rome.  Sure, the language was invented by pagans, but then what is Catholicism but paganism warmed over?  When looking up plant species or medical terms, it’s safest to translate the Latin into German first.

Guitars.  No one really knows where they come from, except of course it was Spain. Now you can find them in virtually every Catholic church in the world.  Bonfire. Tonight.

Martin Luther.  Father of the Reformation Schmather of the Schmeformation.  Not only is there an eerie parallel between the Martin Luther Insult Generator and the Pope Francis Insult Generator, but the man was a closet papist the whole time.  It was the proto-typical Jesuit Plot, long before anyone even admitted there were Jesuits.  No good Protestant will get within 10 miles of a building with the word “Luther” in the title.

Methodists.  The better English-language Catholic hymnals basically consist of the Wesley brothers, Fr. Faber, and a couple bits of  Thomas Aquinas, translated.  We suspect the Illuminati are behind the rumors that John and Charles Wesley didn’t like Catholics.

Mendelian Genetics.  You thought nothing of sitting around the dinner table trying to figure out where little Josiah got his blue eyes from. Let’s just say that “Augustinian Friar” is not the chicken at your late-summer potluck.

The Big Bang.  As a Christian who believes God created the universe ex nihilo (Google Protestranslate suggests: aus dem nichts), you no doubt are in the habit of recognizing God’s hand in the science of creation.  Aren’t we all.  But the whole idea that God spoke and bang! the world was made?  Forget it.   Well known, openly acknowledged Jesuit plot.

 

 

*Pews themselves have a suitably Protestant pedigree.  They can safely stay.

Best Deals on Raw Water! – UPDATED

UPDATE: H/T to Erin Arlinghaus who observed that in some states there are legal restrictions on collecting rainwater.  You can read a relatively recent summary of the state of the raw-water union here.

Now friends, you who don’t live in a “Raw Water State” might be glancing enviously towards those of us who do.  You might be thinking, “Perhaps I should move to some ‘better’ state where people are allowed to just set out their water cooler under the eaves and gather all the hurricane water they need for flushing that toilet even if the floods break the mains.  You, the earnest raw-water enthusiast, envision the other states as some kind of survivalist paradise.  If only you lived in a Raw Water State, everything would be so much better, you say!

No, no, no.

Do not be fooled.

States where residents are allowed to collect their own water are terrible places. 

Put that thought out of your mind right now!  Surely if you traveled to such a state, you would be immediately molested by the lawless beasts who inhabit such wild lands.

No, my dear Raw Water Aficionado.  We must not allow that to happen to you.  Stay right where you are.

After all, can you put a price on human rights?  When we think about how precious “raw water” is, surely $15/gallon, or even double that, is not too high a price to pay!

Stay right where you are.  Do not, repeat: do not, even think of moving to a state where the rain falls from the sky for free.  Many dangers that way lie, and you must do the right thing and stay someplace civilized where all your viral, bacterial, and amoebic needs can be met in the safety of the whole-foods grocery store.

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Original Post:

I hadn’t been planning on blogging today, but then my friends showed me this article from the Washington Post on the hot new trend of drinking “raw water.”

Well trendsetters, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: It is not necessary to pay $15/gallon for untreated drinking water.   It literally — get this — falls from the sky.

Right now, if you live on the East Coast it’s probably falling from the sky into your yard, in an easily collectible crystalline structure that automatically converts into a liquid when stored at room temperature.  In warmer weather, you’ll need to put out an open-topped, “watertight” vessel when it “rains.”  You may have heard of rain.  That’s God’s way of sending you free raw water.

Now not everyone owns a vessel for collecting water from the sky (though you should), or perhaps you forgot to put yours out when the free water was falling from the sky in your area.  In that case, you can collect raw water from naturally-forming raw water collection points called ponds, lakes, streams, creeks, and rivers.  These fascinating geologic formations can be found across the entire United States and most foreign countries.

(Tip: If there are humans living in a particular country, that country has a supply of “water.”  That’s a way for you to know whether it’s a country where you can acquire your water or not.  In some countries, of course, it’s very tricky, because the natives might dig deep holes into the earth called “wells” for harvesting their raw water.  Foreign travel can be so adventurous!)

Once you’ve collected your raw water absolutely free, here are some great tips from the EPA on how to make that water potable.  Do it right! Don’t let the protozoa win!

And for doing science experiments with your water, you’ll want A Drop of Water by Walter Wick, available at any self-respecting public library.

A Drop of Water by Walter Wick

Cover art courtesy of Amazon.com.